Thirteen Weeks: On being a heartless robot

16 Feb

I’ve been putting this off because I didn’t really want to write this post, even though I said that I did. It’s not an easy thing to talk about, and it’s especially hard to do so in a way that doesn’t seem like I’m trying to attack the people who are trying to be supportive of me and my pregnancy. Overall I’ve been very gratified by the response I’ve gotten to announcing that I’m pregnant; my friends and family have been very excited and have been open in expressing that excitement.

But honestly, sometimes that excitement is just hard to deal with, because I don’t feel all that excited myself. Nor did I feel really excited about any of the major milestones we’ve already crossed. The early pregnancy ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy was neat, but I didn’t feel any excitement or sense of attachment to the baby. It was confirming a thing I knew – I’m pregnant. Did I have any feelings about that one way or the other? Not really, no, other than pregnancy really isn’t a whole lot of fun.

It was the same with our first midwife appointment recently when we heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I found myself trying to fake a sense of excitement I didn’t feel. It was nice having confirmation that the baby seems healthy and that the heartbeat was within normal parameters. But again, I didn’t have any particular feelings of anticipation or excitement.

Which is where the feeling like a heartless robot comes in. I know how this is supposed to go. With my first trimester over (or just about over, depending on who you ask), I’m supposed to be glowy and radiant. I’m supposed to be bonding with my baby. Most of all, I’m supposed to be happy and excited about having a baby. The cultural narrative of how I’m supposed to feel is incredibly hard to ignore when the books and websites that I’m reading are full of pictures of blissful mothers with beatific expressions who look as if they’re about to float away from pure joy. I am supposed to be HAPPY ABOUT BEING PREGNANT, DAMMIT. It’s hard not to feel defective and soulless because I just don’t feel that.

I mean, despite being a deviant feminist, I’ve managed to do everything a Good Girl Is Supposed To Do. I got married. We bought a house. We have pets, and now we’re starting a family. I should be thrilled, right? Yet another box checked off on that list of Crap Women Are Expected To Do!

…here’s where I have problems, though. My husband is really awesome, and I think a child of ours will be super smart and nerdy and weird in all kinds of neat and unpredictable ways. I want to meet that kid and teach them about science and feminism and geek lit. I want to teach them that the knight says ‘ni’ and that the tentacle beast says ‘gwar’ (long story) and that Captain Picard is and always will be better than Captain Kirk (it’s been proven by science). That’s what I’m excited about. That stuff will be fucking awesome.

But being trapped in the house with a small cranky organism that exists to eat, poop, and cry? That doesn’t sound so fun. I get that it’s a thing that you have to get through in order to get to those other fun bits. In order to get to the talk-y, reason-y bits, you kind of have to go through the non-talky, non-reasony bits. (Yes they’re words. Shut up.) But am I excited about sacrificing my social life and sleep to a pint-sized tyrant? Not so much, no. And yes it helps that I have a husband who is an introvert and will be willing to let me escape once in a while to socialize with adult-type people. Still, I can’t take advantage of that to just dump all the parenting on him because that would make me a major dickbag.

So here’s the part where friends and family chime in and say that it’s different when it’s yours! When the baby is born I’ll have that moment where I fall in love and it will all be worth it! And who knows, they might be right. For obvious reasons it’s not something I can prove or disprove until I actually have the baby. Maybe they’re right and when I have the baby I’ll suddenly think that OMG NOT SLEEPING IS TOTALLY WORTH IT BECAUSE THIS BABY IS THE BEST. And I get that they’re trying to help me feel better about this whole thing. I get it! But from the outside, as someone who hasn’t had that experience yet, sometimes it feels a little like DRINK THE KOOL-AID WE HAVE COOKIES.

All of which makes me feel like a soulless monster and a heartless robot all in one. It’s like, if all these other pregnant women are happy about their pregnancies, why aren’t I? Why can’t I just be happy and excited like I’m supposed to be?


60 Responses to “Thirteen Weeks: On being a heartless robot”

  1. Mike McQuaid February 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    You’re far from soul-less. Soul-less would be thoughtlessly following the cultural narrative. At least you are realistic and realise it’ll be hard before it is; a lot of parents don’t get that.

    Why would you be a dickbag if you let him do most of the parenting? Except breastfeeding (which is a personal choice anyway) there’s nothing post-childbirth that you can do that he can’t. You’ll both be starting from zero. Time to subvert some traditional gender roles!

    That said, I’m a dude and therefore totally don’t understand this stuff. I hope it goes better.

    • Hazmat Sam February 16, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

      ” Except breastfeeding (which is a personal choice anyway) there’s nothing post-childbirth that you can do that he can’t.”

      Thers’s ways for men to induce lactation, you know. For instance, we’ve known that Thorazine can induce lactation for nearly fifty years now.

      • wundergeek February 16, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

        Seriously? I hope you’re joking about this, because anti-psychotics aren’t exactly a practical solution.

        • xXNamirXx March 4, 2016 at 12:53 am #

          You don’t even need to take medication to induce male lactation. You just need to go through ‘relactation’ techniques that women often use. Pumping, latching baby, eating cookies that have ingredients (such as oatmeal) that are good for breastmilk supplies, things like that.

      • Ayelet January 2, 2014 at 7:42 pm #

        Bottle feeding is perfectly acceptable, safe and healthy.

        • Wayfaring stranger January 5, 2017 at 12:01 am #

          You clearly haven’t researched this.

    • wundergeek February 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

      Because parenting should be a partnership. If it’s unfair to expect women to bear the brunt of child-rearing, shouldn’t it be similarly unfair to expect men to do the same just because it subverts traditional gender norms? The only fair thing is to split the responsibility, which still subverts gender norms quite nicely.

      • Mike McQuaid February 16, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

        Yep, I agree with splitting 50:50. Generally though I just meant that if it was more like 75:25 and he did more than you that’s not bad either as long as you are both happy with it.

  2. Ivan February 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

    Wundergeek for your information the whole happy pregnant woman after her first trimester thing is one of the oldest pieces of propaganda in human history. Yes there are plenty of women that are overjoyed with their pregnancy into and after the first trimester, but it is not a required character trait in order to be a good mother (nor is it a guarantee of good or bad motherhood).

    Also the whole happy for being pregnant is supposed to be a mental response to all the hormones your body produces during pregnancy, but that is the standard response the human metabolism has to the hormones, there are also non-standard responses to consider.

    For instance: while most people drink coffee as a way to keep themselves awake, I drink coffee usually before I go to bed as a means of putting myself to sleep (and not with warm milk but with cold milk poured straight from the refrigerator) which is the non-standard response my metabolism has to coffee instead of the standard one which is too be stimulated into being awake.

    And I agree with you good parenting is a partnership where the parent equally shoulder the weight of raising their child (children).

    • itchbay (@itchbay) February 16, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

      I remember my mother pregnant with my younger sister, and she was NOT the happy pregnant woman. In fact, she was the angry, miserable, unhappy pregnant woman who felt guilty for not being all glowing and angelic. The story hasn’t changed.

      She loves my sister and me. She was a great mom. But the railed against the narrative forced on her by our society. Being a mother wasn’t/isn’t the end-all-be-all of her life. It was a great part of it and she wouldn’t change it for the world, but she never bought into the romanticization of motherhood.

  3. D.D. Wysocki February 16, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

    *cough* Um. So as above said, your body is playing around with a lot of hormones right now. And one of things they are supposed to do is bond you to the kid so you think dealing with it is worth it. It’s like kittens get away with being mess monsters and literally walking on you and yelling all the time and stuff because they’re cute. The hormones are supposed to make you think the newborn is cute and love it.

    If after birth a mother shows no interest at all in the kid and can’t be bothered with it? That’s when nurses get worried, because the hormones aren’t working and the effort the baby represents out-weighs all the evolutionary impetus to raise children. The baby books and shit are trying to make you love the kid so you don’t leave it in a dumpster, basically.

    But don’t worry! You seem to want to HAVE a kid, it’s the pregnancy that’s bugging you.

  4. Nita February 16, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    FWIW, you’re describing my state while I was pregnant. Seriously. Pretty much in a “did she read my diary??” kind of way.

    You’re normal, if “you’re like me” qualifies as normal. If it doesn’t, means you’re awesome.

    • Dani in NC February 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      I could have written this comment myself. I was excited each time I got pregnant simply because I had infertility issues and I was happy to stop getting shots in my butt. I did NOT enjoy actually being pregnant and all the attendant discomfort. After I had my babies, I didn’t feel this overwhelming bond with them. I started enjoying my kids when I no longer had to feed them, dress them, or change their diapers. Once I got past what I think of as the maintenance phase, it was so much fun introducing them to things I like and being surprised by the things they bring me on their own.

  5. carriep February 17, 2012 at 12:31 am #

    Loving your blog. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

  6. Nick2 February 23, 2012 at 4:23 am #

    As a male I have NEVER noticed this “all pregnant woman are happy” phenomenon/cultural thing.
    As to the whole not bonding with your baby thing, at the end of the day, your actions are more important than your feelings. Not feeling a bond for the baby in your womb but taking care of it is far better than someone who loves their baby to bits but smokes and drinks while the baby is still dependent on the mom’s blood. So try to stop thinking of yourself as a heartless robot, because that’s not true. You’re a human, and humans are complex.

    Please forgive me if I sound shallow. I’m totally not qualified to talk about such things, I just don’t like hearing someone calling themself a soulless robot.

    • Truthful taco March 2, 2016 at 4:23 pm #

      You’re a dude. And drinking and smoking moms are the least of any sprogs worries. The world is a cesspool.

  7. tornadogrrrl March 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm #

    I’m another person who really identifies with what you are saying here. I never experienced the glowing, energised, transcendent joy things that people like to talk about. I had the exhausted, constantly nauseous, kinda terrified I’d made a horrible mistake but excited for the future at the same time kind of pregnancy.
    I also was really nervous that I would be bored out of my skull for the first year. I’d had a lot of contact with small children before having one of my one and really didn’t find the larval ones interesting beyond a minute or so. Once you start to have locomotion and the beginnings of communication? Oh yea! So I was worried that I would not enjoy the first year of my child’s life.
    Turns out that for me the hormones worked (really this coolaid is delicious!) and I was able to stare in awe at a little drooly blob for way more time than I ever would have imagined possible.

  8. Anonymous March 29, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Thank you so much. I am almost tears I needed this so much. I have been feeling horrible because I’ve been feeling and thinking these same things exactly. I’ve never commented on a post but I am just so grateful to know I am not the only one and that I am not the “soulless robot” I’ve been thinking I am, lol. Can’t wait to keep reading. Thank you so much.

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  10. Andalyn October 2, 2013 at 4:44 pm #

    I’m 21 weeks along and I’m in the same boat. I keep thinking another milestone will suddenly rile up all the maternal giddiness I’m ‘supposed’ to be feeling; but really I haven’t changed at all. I had zero reaction when I found out, zero reaction when I heard the heartbeat, and zero reaction when I felt that first slimy roll it’s been doing recently in my belly.

    I’m not afraid to say that I don’t think it’s fun, I don’t think it’s beautiful, I don’t think “Oh its meant to be”. My [very super supportive and excited] friends and family are all way more excited than I am—with the obsessive touching and planning and buying baby things I don’t really even want; This has concerned me but knowing other like-minded women feel the same is a relief.

    I too am so excited to form this little person into an awesome person like it’s awesome parents ( I LOVE babies & children) but for now, as I’m growing one for myself, I’m just not feelin’ it. I actually find out the gender/if it has all the right body parts in the right spots tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. I hope I’m truly excited—I hate pretending.

    In fear of sounding heartless, I’ll have you know that I’ve always wanted a child and yes I feel lucky and all that blah blah blah. I think I’m just very easy-going, and that has something to do with it. I’m also not married (I have no desire, nor have I ever, to be) (also I think that explains why people think they need to tell me it’s ‘meant to be’) and I have a full-time and demanding career where I have noticed these stupid hormones have made me more irritable rather than giddy…. so I think all of that combined may play a part in this cynical feeling. I’m just venting now… It feels so good. It’s really hard to articulate this to all the excited people around me. Thanks for listening 🙂

    • Reah May 5, 2016 at 3:37 pm #

      Hi how did you feel after you gave birth? X

      • Andalyn September 21, 2016 at 2:37 pm #

        Perfectly in love 🙂 It’s nice to know others feel the same while pregnant, but that it gets infinitely better once the little one arrives.

  11. Another Robotic Womb October 21, 2013 at 4:45 am #

    I am so glad I’m not alone! I couldn’t have written it better! (Aside from the tentacle beast bit… I don’t know the story. 😉)
    The excitement is coming from all angles.. Friends greeting my barely showing belly before me… Those looks of commisiry from every mother I know… My boyfriend putting his hand over my womb and getting misty eyed.. People who are so happy for us- yeah- well, ‘us’ doesn’t feel like crap all day and wake up in the middle of the night to run into walls on the way to pee for the second or third time…or wake up in the morning to feel the gut wrenching emptiness of my stomach(I’m confident that incurable hunger is the reason for my morning sickness)… Not ‘us’, not fun, not exciting. Just me, feeling alone in my dread.
    Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to being a parent to someone. I have always wanted to be a mom, but the romanticized version of fairy tale proportions- why happened to the stork? Were there drastic budget cuts that lead to a shutdown of the As You Like It, Baby Delivery Service?
    I hope all those ‘other’ people are right, that it’s different after the quickening and giving birth. Not that labor and delivery sound all that fun either…
    Bah humbug!

  12. krista October 25, 2013 at 11:50 pm #

    Your post literally described everything I feel. I know this was a couple years ago but I’m 18 weeks pregnant and I could have written this myself. So my question is, has your attitude changed? Cuz I’m dying to know if mine will!

  13. KJ November 13, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

    Thank god. I really was starting to feel like I was THE ONLY WOMAN IN HISTORY to feel less than thrilled about pregnancy. I know my severe, relentless, debilitating morning sickness is part of the issue. But I’m also kind of a tomboy who never played with dolls and would rather keep skiing and riding my bike than rubbing my belly and looking blissful. I honestly think babies are gross. I’ve been faking it for years with my friends’ babies, even my own nephew. Just looking at their stained onesies and all the bottle accoutrements exhausts me. But I do like kids. A lot. When people keep telling me, again and again, how happy I’ll be when I see the baby, I feel deeply suspicious. After all, I don’t like parades or burgers or Rhianna or a lot of things that everyone is supposed to like. And I already hate pregnancy and consider it the worst experience I’ve ever had (I’m at 10 weeks).

    It is such a relief to hear about others who feel the same way I do. I’m dying to know how things turned out–it will make me feel better to hear that someone thoughtful, with similar misgivings, ended up loving her baby.

    • The Jess Mess November 20, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

      I never wanted to be a mom. I got pregnant by accident. Still, we decided to bring this addition to fruition and for a bit, I was kind of excited. Like someone would be who was planning a trip to an exotic location. But now I’m 8 weeks. And I feel like shit most days. And I’m realizing that pregnancy sucks. I just want my body back. It doesn’t help that the only person I’ve talked to about this had a sort of “What’s wrong with you?” response. Sigh. Thank you. I needed to read this.

      • Reah May 5, 2016 at 3:38 pm #

        Hi, how did you feel after the birth and now? Thanks 🙂

    • Julie March 19, 2014 at 3:54 am #

      I’m loving this blog post and these comments, especially yours
      – I feel exactly the same sister! You could be describing me. Wow it’s almost a weight off my shoulders to read things like this… Unlike the gushing sentiment at places like babycenter that make we want to put a gun to my head.

      • McK December 26, 2014 at 10:45 pm #

        Yes, babycenter is NOT for everyone!

  14. Ayelet January 2, 2014 at 7:40 pm #

    Dear Perian, Thank you for the post.It is really frank and of course has been very difficult to write. But you did it! you kept your integrity and honesty and that is the main thing. And this is why all these people, Michael and I included, respect and love you.

  15. Catherine Scholar January 2, 2014 at 9:22 pm #

    Peri, I think there should be a whole lot more dialogue and honesty about how very difficult pregnancy and parenting can be. It’s so difficult to speak up and say “hey I’m not having fun here!” when nobody wants to hear it. I suspect that lots of moms, both current and pending, are having way more trouble than they let on. Acknowledging those feelings doesn’t make you a bad woman or bad parent, it just means you’re being honest with yourself.

  16. lena April 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

    Thank you – I really needed to read something like this tonight. I found out the gender today and instead of feeling excited I feel kind of let down and depressed….way to start bonding with the baby right? Oh well, i’m not kidding myself that it will get easier and i’m tired of putting on an act for everyone. A big part of me wishes i could hide i was pregnant so that i could stop getting unsolicited comments from people about how excited i should be and how the baby will change who i am and my life forever. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Either way, i’m sick of hearing it!

  17. McK December 26, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    Thank you for this article. I really loved it, and it made me feel so much better about my lack of excitement. I think the worst part for me is that my husband is so happy that it makes me feel even worse. He is very supportive, but I just find everyone’s excitement annoying. I especially hate how my mom wants to plaster everything about my pregnancy all over social media. I find that so obnoxious and somewhat inconsiderate. Anyway, thank you so much for making me feel not alone.

  18. K. May 27, 2015 at 7:17 pm #

    I feel the exact same way and can relate to the blog post and comments. Thank you for being honest.

    Did your feelings and the feeling an attachment to your child change once your kid was born?

  19. kim8280 August 14, 2015 at 3:44 am #

    Oh my, thank you for this post. I am almost 24 weeks along with surprise twins and dreading it more and more. I never wanted to be a mom, but I love my husband and he’s always wanted to be a dad so I did it. I went off the pill, and thought I’d have a little time to adjust to that reality since I had been on it for 14 years, but nope. Got pregnant on the first try. Ok, I could handle that. I do know how babies are made and all. Then the twin surprise. Yikes! I told myself it was ok because now I only have to be pregnant once! Now that I am getting closer and am freaked out about pre term labor because we are in the middle of a house remodel and I worried that it won’t get done in time. But the worst is the people. My goodness. The ones who ask “are you excited!?” which to my knowledge is a yes or no question bit in reality really is not. The ones who tell me my whole life will change (not what I am hoping for thanks!) or tell me that this will “fundamentally change you as a person!” (I like me just fine thanks!) or what a wonderful year I have ahead of me? Are you effing serious?! You know I never wanted kids, I am going to have to deal with two infants, We are losing more than half our income so my husband can be a stay at home dad, and you have the nerve to inform me its going to be wonderful? Are you even paying attention? I feel trapped in a life I don’t want. I am 35 now and the only mile stone that brings me any comfort is when I am 53 and my kids head off to college! Part of me knows its going to be fine, but the other part of me is the one that is screaming and raging and so terribly unhappy right now. So no, I am not excited.

    • Laura August 31, 2015 at 10:00 pm #

      I see this chain is a bit old, but with some new comments too. I just found out yesterday that I am about four weeks pregnant. And today I had my first good cry about it. Thanks for your posts, as they mirror my feelings. I do have a great and enthusiastic husband…but I am 35 and I really love the life I have. I have never wanted to hold someone else’s baby, and I waffle on whether I ever wanted kids. I feel like I’m grieving my prior life (current life as of two days ago), my future career (oh, starting a new professional job in a month), dreading the sick, the tired, the pain, the labor (so terrified), and even the taking-newborn-home. I hope it’s one of those things that clicks at some point. I love people…I’m just sad and I can’t even say why. Thanks for sharing. At least I can be excited for some similarly minded new-mom friends next year…there must be others that feel this way.

      • Pelican September 13, 2015 at 7:48 pm #

        Laura, I think you and I are the same person. I’m 32, at four weeks. I got pregnant while I was in a major “I’m not sure if I want to have kids” phase, which happened shortly after a “sure, I’ll take my IUD out and we can try” phase. I have the same feeling of grief over my current (soon to be past) life and have a hard time mustering up the energy to be happy about this crazy turn of events. My poor fiance is so so happy, but is obviously tempering it because of my ambivalence. I feel so shitty because of this (and the constant severe nausea). It also just doesn’t feel real yet. If you ever want support, maybe we could be of help to each other? i’m at bombshellrehab [at] gmail [dot] com.

        • peg123 September 20, 2015 at 5:28 pm #

          Pelican, I felt exactly the same. I found out I was pregnant 8 weeks ago and it took me a long time to get used the idea of having a baby (to be honest I am not sure I am there yet). It still seems very unreal and I cannot imagine myself being a mom! I also feel very guilty that I am not over the moon about this pregnancy…

          • Mackenzie November 24, 2015 at 1:55 am #

            I feel the same ladies! It helps so much to know that maybe I’m not the heartless psycho that I feel like. I am a little over 6 weeks pregnant. It still doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m grieving my “old” life (as in 2 wks ago). I am 36 and have been ambivalent about wanting children. We decided to “not try, but not prevent” and low and behold, a month later and I’m preggo! I never dreamed it would happen that quickly, although I’m well aware of how pregnancy happens. Lol. The minute I saw the positive pregnancy test, I started to cry. I’m terrified of losing my old life and being tied to a baby. Abortion has actually crossed my mind, but I decided that I could not live with myself if I did that. I hate being pregnant and am terrified of not being a good mother. “Pretending” to be excited while telling family and friends the news is excruciating because inside I just want to cry. To make matters worse, I have absolutely no reason to not want this baby – I am in a financially stable, happy marriage – a poster child for pregnancy. So why am I not happy? All i can say is that I hope everyone is right and that these feelings will subside. Good luck to everyone and thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences.

      • Reah May 5, 2016 at 3:42 pm #

        Hey! How are you feeling now, I’m in the same boat! :-/

  20. Court November 17, 2015 at 12:21 pm #

    Thank you so much for writing this post. I feel exactly the same way. Today I hid in a toilet and cried because I once again had to feign excitement to cover up the hollowness I feel when people say, “Congratulations! You must be so excited.” Right now my life is great; my career is going well, I’m happy and have lots of friends. Newborn babies terrify me and I worry I’ll break its floppy neck long before I get to do any of the things I am excited about. Thank you once again for your post. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

  21. Kelly December 22, 2015 at 8:58 am #

    Thanks for this post! I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was incredibly heartless and selfish for not being excited about my coming child.. But anyway, thanks for your honesty, it’s very refreshing and much appreciated.

  22. xXNamirXx March 4, 2016 at 12:55 am #

    I knew from the age of 17 (now 23) that I wanted to have children. I had to wait about three and a half years before my husband and I started ttc (he refused to try until we were married) and up until a certain point, I was baby crazy. I kept looking at clothes and buying them and just getting all prepped and we weren’t even ttc yet. The longer we were together as just boyfriend and girlfriend, the less and less and less I was able to think about babies without my heart twisting in my chest. I had to put babies completely out of my mind as much as I could. I more or less gave up on the thought of ever becoming a mom. I started to have doubts I would even be able to conceive once we started trying. I just stopped being excited about baby stuff all together. It hurt too much to think about it. He proposed almost two years ago now, we got married July of last year, and a month later, we conceived our baby. I thought I would be excited the second I saw the positive test. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and I still don’t even know if I’m happy. I don’t know what to do. Obviously this is our baby, but my mom is more excited than I am is how it seems and I’m just breaking my own heart over it. I can’t even write in my pregnancy journal because I have nothing but neutral things to put in it. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know how we’re going to manage money wise, I don’t know how we’re going to manage food wise, I just don’t know.

    • xXNamirXx March 4, 2016 at 12:56 am #

      **My husband and I have been together since I was 19, we got married when I was 22

  23. Reah May 5, 2016 at 3:30 pm #

    My god I feel the same!
    How do you feel now, this answer would really help me?

  24. Reah May 5, 2016 at 3:43 pm #

    Hey! How are you feeling now, I’m in the same boat! :-/

  25. Lindsey May 23, 2016 at 3:06 pm #

    THANK YOU for this post. This is exactly how I feel and have felt so wrong for feeling it. I’m so glad others feel it too and that I’m not alone. Our pregnancy was planned, but it’s still such an abstract idea, even after the first ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat, that it’s not registering as something that will eventually be concrete. Anyway, thanks again.

  26. NotTooSureAboutThis August 11, 2016 at 3:42 pm #

    I just wanted to say thank you for the honesty and for having the courage to share. I have felt many very similar feelings these last two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. The timing is impeccable with many new and exciting things I had lined up with my job concerning travel and opportunities that now have to be cancelled due to the pregnancy. I was even taking birth control to prevent this from happening but here we are. My husband and our families are so excited which is adding to the guilt that I am not “over the moon.” I just can’t process that my life has completely changed from one day to the next. I have always loved kids, but never felt I wanted any of my own. I have just felt alone in my feelings because no one understands or wants to accept that I am mourning the loss of my future plans and current life. Everyone just keeps saying it will be the best thing to ever happen and I’ll regret feeling how I do now. I don’t know, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I just know I’m nervous, scared, guilt ridden and sad all at once. It’s nice to know I really am not alone in these feelings and I shouldn’t be ashamed. Hoping for the best and going to try to keep a positive outlook from now on. Best regards to those feeling similar.

  27. Sara December 15, 2016 at 2:16 am #

    You are not alone! I too have been feeling bummed, scared and even apathetic during my pregnancy. I saw the sonogram and cried the whole way home. Not tears of joy but tears of disappointment that the doctor said she thinks it’s a boy (I really really want a girl). I would say I’m feeling dread mostly. I dread the screaming baby phase too, and worry constantly that I won’t bond with the baby. What if he is born and I don’t adore him right away?? Is there something wrong with me? Everyone keeps saying it’s my hormones and I’ll feel better soon. I know this probably isn’t helping you, but please know you’re not crazy and the whole blissful pregnant mom thing is kind of bull$@!#. I think there’s a lot of feelings and that doesn’t make us bad people

    • Lindsey December 15, 2016 at 5:27 pm #

      You will feel better. I did not feel attached the entire pregnancy and he felt more like another chore when he was first born than something I was insanely in love with.
      But we are almost two weeks in and he and I are bonding in our own way. My advice is to do pregnancy and motherhood in your own way. I read on another message board “Don’t worry about it and don’t try to be someone that you’re not. You, not anyone else, not anyone else’s personal style was meant to be the mother of the baby that you carry.”
      Hang in there ladies. It gets better.

  28. Kelly Benvenuto February 4, 2017 at 9:17 pm #

    This is exactly how I feel right now. I haven’t told my family yet but so I don’t have the outside excitement being thrown in my face, but every day is a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, to be excited about plans or events, a struggle to do just about anything. And all I can think is “how am I not happy?”. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant so it wasn’t a surprise and now I feel like a terrible, selfish person. Thank you for this article because it truly helped me feel less alone.

  29. Ladymb February 22, 2017 at 3:08 am #

    Thanks for this. I feel 100% the same way. All I can think about is my summer being ruined by this pregnancy and how much I really don’t like holding babies and how much I don’t know about them. But despite that I have no impetus to read any baby books or anything like that. I don’t care about seeing the ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat and I don’t want to tell anyone I’m pregnant for some reason. But your blog helped. Thank you

  30. Bekah March 1, 2017 at 3:18 pm #

    Thank you for your post. I’m currently 15wks and feeling like a heartless robot myself. Ashamed that I’m not as excited as everyone else is. Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a mom and have kids, but it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for me. However at 37 here I am pregnant and instead of happy i’m stressed, anxious, and faking the happy excitement everyone is expecting. Financially we are not ready for a baby, we live at my mother in laws where I was already not happy….now I’m bringing in a baby. Great! I know I will love this little one, but for now I feel like a heartless terrible person. Nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Thank you

  31. Veronica B March 8, 2017 at 11:53 am #

    Thank you! Thank you so much! You have explained my feelings exactly!!!

  32. makingbabynow May 1, 2017 at 12:19 am #

    I think your fine. A lot of women don’t feel connections with their babies before they’re born.

    Some women love babies, and some find them kind of boring until they become more interactive. You sound like the latter type. That doesn’t mean you won’t love your child. And it doesn’t mean you’re soulless. Lol.

    And, I’m not sure that any parent is happy all the time – im sure there are tons and tons who are cranky when their babies are crying and need to eat and poop all the time. That doesn’t sound fun to me either. But, I bet there will be times where you will look at your child and be happy. And even if it’s just knowing that you will have so many great moments with them to help them learn and grow. It’s all good.

  33. Renee May 30, 2017 at 1:30 am #

    You and me both. Everyone else seems to be excited. But I myself, I feel bland, or stuck in neutral about it. All I can think about is money and bills. How will I find time to do things for myself when I’m primarily exsisting by myself. I suck at the typical expectation of being the perfect housewife. I hate picking up after people other than myself, and honestly, in society the woman has a ton of shit labeled as their job. Anymore you have to work, there rarely is the stay at home mom. Plus after working a full day you get to come home and play everyone’s maid. Cook and clean. Put away laundry. Socialize. Be a lover. Be a friend. Be a motivator. And most importantantly, you have to be awake and out of bed. I’m over here struggling to find my own balance and self, and now I have to learn how to refind something that I’ve never had in the first place. I know I have “help”, but I’m so logically programmed for survival that there’s no way I can picture that life without knowing every single duck I have is in the pond and organized. So then I see that all these other females my age or younger, even older, are so happy and thrilled. And all I can think is that maybe there is a hint of naivety still within their souls or something. Granted everyone is different. Every situation is different. But I truely believe there are women who believe a baby will fix them, or will fix their problems, and if so that’s fine and wonderful, an I truely hope that it does. But for myself personally, it’s just more problems I have to solve with a time frame added to it. So no, I’m not blissful either and I feel like a sack of shit about it.

  34. Lilred June 21, 2017 at 11:51 am #

    Thank you immensely for sharing.. I’m sure there are more ” evil ” un-womanly ect ladies out there than admit it . Personally I have heard this tale before and I commended those women on their brutal honesty .. sending love & blessings

  35. Renee June 30, 2018 at 4:08 am #

    Oh man, this is exactly how I feel! I just dont know what to do.

    • writingthelife June 30, 2018 at 7:33 am #

      Accept how you feel and give it time. My son is18 months now and I am bonded with him and love him more than anything. Some of us just can’t fall in love with a flutter and that’s okay. Wait til you meet your little one and get to know them. I’d be surprised if you still feel this way. Hang in there mama!


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